How to survive an imminent shark attack

So I’m lying naked in bed, all exposed and whatnot and I can’t help but think about my upcoming trip to the Philippines with my girlfriend Angie. She’s always wanted to swim with Whale Sharks and I must admit the idea in it self sounds fantastical so that’s one of the things we intend to tick off the list while we’re there.

So, you know me, I like to run little scenarios through my head all the time and whatnot. I envisioned an awesome one night in Manila, going shopping at the fourth largest mall in the world, Mall Asia. It’s there we’d pick up some straw hats and cool looking sun glasses that’d go well with my fat head. Angie would get looooads of sexy bikinis too.

Then! eventually, we’d head out to Boracay Island for our 4 night stay. Whilst here, we tan up and read books all day while listening to our favourite tunes and taking in the scenery. When our eyes can’t take any words, we’d head out for snorkeling and horse rides along the beach or some island hopping. It’s when we finally head over to Donsol, the whale shark capital of the world that all goes astray!

Boracay Island is about 60 km’s east of Donsol in my rough estimate, so we’ll take a boat.. no no, a ferry across the stretch. Little did we know that a tsunami hits us and topples and sinks the boat entirely! then we find ourselves 10kms from shore. Now, 10kms isn’t really that big of a swim in my head right now, so we’re not worried about that. What worries us (Angie and especially me) is that our tanned bodies make us look like penguins! and that there are sharks in the water.

Sharks are bad.

So, without further ado I present to you my instructions on how to survive an imminent shark attack.

Step One: Locate the shark that will be imminently attacking you. If you cannot do this, you’ll probably die.

Step Two: Once the shark is located, quickly engage in a staring contest, if you should win this contest there be no need for step three and subsequent steps.

Step Three: The shark decides to attack because you haven’t shamed it by winning a staring contest (against a shark without eyelids it’s kinda hard) – when the shark comes near, prepare yourself for a mid water roll.

Step Four: The shark is within 5 paces from you (paces? lol) – commence the water roll and put a hand on both the top part of their mouth and the bottom part. Stopping the shark in it’s tracks and making it impossible for it to put you in it’s tummy.

Step Five: The shark thrashing, this may be the hardest part but if you’re this prepared you should manage. You must hold on to the top and bottom part of the shark’s mouth as to prevent it from being able to bite you. Staying away from the sharp bits inside is key.

Step Six: Shark retreats, you’ve won. Keep an eye out for that particular shark again as it know nows your imminent shark attack surviving tactics. Kill it if necessary.

Theeen we swum to Donsol and did our thing and that’s pretty much when I decided I should make others aware of this genius tactic.